I always suspected that I might have a selfish streak running through my personality. Aside from my pronounced predisposition on account of my only-childhood, there were certain incidences throughout my life that should have tipped me off.
Ever since I was little, I've been very possessive of food. Being a fat kid, I have always been very fond of ice cream (which is coincidentally my favorite food fresh off the trail). My dad is a bit of a fat kid himself, so from time to time would coerce a bite from me. I say coerced, because I would get pissed! The only way he actually managed is because he'd bring up the ol' "there's no shortage of ice cream in the store, we can get two more if you want". I was never quite satisfied, but how does one argue with this infallible logic? Then there was the time I threw a temper tantrum when my parents made me share my nintendo with two girls, children of a dinner guest. It was infuriating watching them play Mario and dying on the easiest parts, waisting my precious lives. Finally, up until my freshman year of college I had the hardest time spending my own money. I had money, but if there was anyway I could get something for free or get my parents to pay for something, I'd do it. Sounds normal? I took it to extreme. I won't get into that though; it might get ugly.
Somehow, even having the privelage of hindsight upon all these incidences, I never caught on. I think selfishness is difficult thing to admit about oneself because it has such an extreme negative connotation. Plus, it was even more distressful that I might actually fulfill this stereotype of the only child.
About three weeks ago a hiked for a a two-day stretch with another guy named Thunder. Thunder is a big guy in his thirties. Having lost 53 lbs on the trail, I extrapolated the conclusion that Thunder used to be a fat guy in his thirties. That's beside the point though, he could still hike faster than me. Really I'm hoping he reads me calling him fat; a little motivation to keep that weight off after the trail Thunder?
Thunder is the type of guy he absorbs information like a sponge. I wasn't around him long enough to determine whether he's a genius, but I do know that his dad was certified. Suffice to say that hiking with him was a two-day history/politics/science lesson, which shocked me somewhat because I thought I knew a lot about science. Turns out Thunder is a social engineer with an engineering degree. The only thing he deferred to me was economics and that barely. The amount of detail and fact that man stores in his head is amazing. Not only this, but I quickly came to the realization that Thunder was not only smart, but wise. He'll deny it, but that's what true wisdom is, right? I spent a lot of time listening to him and as a result learned a lot.
One day Thunder and I were involved in a discussion concerning one's responsibility to society. During this discussion, he made an offhand statement, the impact of which I don't think he comprehends. He said this: "Thru-hiking is the single most selfish thing a person can do". It may seem obvious to some, but this was novel to me and I was floored. More, the implications are huge! Here I am, engaged in the most selfish of selfish activities. Furthermore, here Thunder is as well.
I am a selfish person. I am taking a year out of life to travel, learn, and have fun, all of which are geared towards my own self-enrichment. This is the ultimate selfish act, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This made me realize something about the nature of selfishness.
Selfishness is neither good or bad; it's the manifestations of this quality that flavor how it is perceived. Too often we focus on the petty aspects: unwillingness to share ice-cream or spend money, nintendo incidents (you know, things that happen to everybody). Yet, so much good results from being selfish. The key I've found is to acknowledge my own selfishness and discern the good and bad aspects of this part of me. I strive to encourage the good and suppress the bad. Simple right? We'll see about that...
So, I am a selfish person. That wasn't so hard, I guess. Just don't try to take my ice cream. I'm not ready for that step yet.
-Bear Bait
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